Badboy

One easter holiday break I invited dear bryony to the Isle of Wight. My Mother was to retreat to Dubai for a holiday and leave the two adventurous girls alone with the man of the house( my father-although the man cries like a girl so I prefer the term effeminate man). The one rule was that we must not ride the quad bike unoccupied whilst she was gone. We accepted her rule. That was untill she left. It was quads, mud and 60 miles an hour up steep hills. Because we are young fasionistas the term fashionably late is one rule we abide by. Missing buses forced us to to ride the quad bike to many a places. This bike became our best friend on the isolated farm. When we departed the island we put our glamorous suitcase filled with attire in a rugged country trailer and attached it to a biffed up quad bike and headed out in style to the local bus stop like right ol' nutters.

Chinese gluttony

House parties are the key success to popularity in this life. Rules that Apply :

To being a good party host:

• Do make sure you make a punch but do not add the contents of your parents cuboard to it.


• Include snacks and petite four. Share food that other guests have brought around.


• Do not retreat to the kitchen and stuff fistfulls of dumplings and spring rolls and lock youself in the kitchen in a bid of greediness.


• Do not invite wife beaters who will cause a scene. You might be tempted to eat to calm down.


• Never order a cab to an after party but if you do: hide in the house and turn out all the lights. ( If your parents arrive back early from their evening tell them to pipe down.)


• Conceal all the evidence( cigarette butts, alcohol, stap wounds) so that your parents never find out!


• Do not bring out crotchless knickers to guests unless you are extremely drunk.


• Always dress up! Burlesque will always be appealing to the male guest.

Arrêtez cet homme!

Do and don’ts when meeting forgien strangers. (from first hand experience-‘French stranger’ Candybox 2006)

• Never let a stranger help you change from your party shoes to your sneakers. He obviously has a foot fetish if he obliges.
• If the man’s trotter finds its way into your handbag do not stupidly ignore this gesture .
• By all means sit on his lap but do not let him sit on yours. Ignore cctv cameras. Do go for a walk but when he suggests drinks at his, reject his offer. The mans a cheap date.
• Perhaps set the mood by saying’ I want to put you in my handbag’ to the man. (Harmless flirting)
• Do ask people to take photos of you and your friend but restrict this to clubs and the loos.
• If a man runs off with your camera run after him with a stiletto.
• Find a police car to follow the thief and then ask to be dropped home.
• When the Police officer rings to check how you are turn into a drama queen.
• Do not think about possible cctv footage of you having a chinwag and straddling the criminal.This will not go down well with the police force.

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Run ins with the law

One day I was summoned to give evidense to a court trial.When asked what the venue of the club I had visited on the day of the incident I replied ‘ Crazy Larry’s. And when further questioned by the defence barrister I said it was ’ a club for the younger generation.’ The judge piped up with a comment along the lines of ‘ Not for old sods like me then’ and I retorted with ‘ I’ll have to get back to you on that. That’s debateable’. Aparently he had not laughed in 8 years of hiss professional life. I would like to think his wife got quite a seeing to that fine evening

The icecream maker

When I was at boarding school aged 16 I used to relish post days. Most girls got designer handbags from Germany or sex toys but I got an icecream maker. I eagerly anticipated its arrival one rainy Friday afternoon and what a ruddy let down it was! Now I know for a fact it was for ages 2 and up but I expected a little more than snow to be produced. It took me a whole break time to spin the plastic wheel and produce ice for one person. It even came with its own icecream pots and measly toothpick of a spoon. Of course the other girls chuckled at my childishness but that didn’t stop them queing up to use my mini oven. You see I had somehow managed to set up an illegal kitchen in my dorm. I’m sure my roomate didn’t mind. My friend Lilly would cook her sausgaes in mylittle oven and it would tick away for about 10 excruciating minutes and ting as if it was showing off.

I Thought it was Rom Com!

Usual Friday evening. Coca-Cola: check company check: porn check. Wait?!! What.!!…….
The Day I sat down to watch ‘shortbus’ with my Mother and Father is a day I would rather forget.
"I bought some dvds from the rental. Maid in Manhatten and shortbus. Both romcoms." said my father. That was untill we turned the dvd on. The vision of a man doing crude things with his manly hood is one that will scar my mind for forever more. Especially when both your parents forgot to have the birds and bea conversation with you. They told you about love and protection but they missed out the show me tell me side.

Stalk walk

When you go for a picnic in a park you’re lucky if you get a wink. We got two black men on bikes. Naturally the fit young one went for the ‘redhead’ (bryony) I got the 40 year old former drug addict. Now no disrespect to old boys but I came to the conclusion that this man was not going to let me go easily. He insisted that ‘he didn’t want to get into my knickers as he looked at my breasts’. After he offered life advice and acused me of holding up a barrier between people I realised I needed to find an escape route. My plan? Give him a false number and then agree to ‘meet up’. A friendly rejection.

Meanwhile Bryonys man was showering her in compliments and telling her ‘ she was working the mermaid look’. He had just been realised from her majesties pleasure and was a gangster. ‘ My parents are going to just love him’ said Bryony. Indeed.

Virgin atlantic

As a young teenager I used to visit a Shakespearian actor who lived in Kentish Town. I used to arrive early in a bid to impress him. Sometimes I would arrive without a coat and he would lecture me about the importance of keeping your health up as an actor. He was hard on the surface. He taught me the ways of the world and I reminded him of his lost youth. I would recite speeches and he would cry ‘No No No you can’t act.’ One time I slated Cinderella claiming it was just a fairytale and not relevnt to theatre. It turned out his friend was a director of a modern day cinderlla. ‘ How dare you insult theatre! Cinderella is the core of theatre.’ Your so naïve’ the old man would say. Half his face was paralised as he had been in a crash during his youth but he had regained some muscle movement.

He taught me the importance of learning to teach yourself skills in life. And then there was the discussion of the hierarchy whereby I nodded a lot. He used to ring me up when I was at home. ‘Have you read act 1 scene 2 from king lear?’ And I would lie through my teeth. Then he would test me. You can never fool an actor.
I once used the world ‘uni’ in conversation and the actor looked at me in absolute disgust and explained that it was a common apreviation associated with youth. ‘ NO!!!! You are not at school now! You need to learn to talk like a proper lady.’ Nowadays I only ever use the world: university.
I always looked forward to his biscuits made by his ‘aunty bitty’ which almost weakened his hard character. Sometimes he would slap my face to encourage me to loosen up. (After a cuppa he always said I was les tense. )One session when It was almost dark and he turned on the lights and I exclaimed’ Ah now I can see’ and he retorted with ‘ You don’t need to see to act.’ The man was clearly bizarre.

Act one scene 1( real life)
The moment he crossed the line was when he asked :
Actor ‘Are you virgin?‘
An uncomfortable silence swept over the room as I replied nervously .

Marina:‘yes. How is that relivent’.
ActorL ‘You need to feel to act darling’
He got me to recite my speech on the floor. He claimed it was the Alexander technique. I claimed it was perversion.

Despite my qualms I remained with the actor for a few session. One session lasted 5 hours but he kindly let me pay for one hour as he claimed he was educating me. I did point out that I had a dinner party to attend to but soon shut up as he started a lecture about how unacceptable it was to leave early for boyfriends and parties. He said acting came first in life. So I piped down and therefore was late for my party.
What did I learn? The education my school failed to do so.

‘I’ve seen that look before: In a pushchair’
Sometimes you meet boys that turn out to be idiots.. Micky was one of them. He took a shine to Bryony with her vivacious character and stunning auburn hair. But soon after he met a girl who was a right ringer for the crazy frog and that annoying celebrity Kerry Kotona. I had deffinatley seen that look before. When I was in the park gazing at pushchairs. We would go shopping and see his name everywhere: on chocolate bars, t shirts. So finally the idea of photoshoping the pig into asda adverts seemed to be the best idea yet. Of course these pictures would be for our own entertainment and not to be seen by the public as not to seem too bunny boilerish.